Sleep Talking Man plays Final Fantasy
by Satsuriku-Sama
Summary: There is a blog, where someone who talks in his sleep records everything and posts it on a blog. I laughed my a** off... Rated T for swearing and...crack
1. Chapter 1

_I stumbled upon the Sleep Talking Man's blog, and I so imagined some people saying these phrases. Since I'm a Final Fantasy addict, all other characters are in the 'Special Guests' section. Have fun and check the blog out!_

_

* * *

__Angeal scolding Zack:_ No puppy! Bad puppy! Make you into puppy slippers.

* * *

_Sephiroth petting the cadets when he's high from the Mako shots: _So many little people. Pet them on the head. Pet pet pet…

* * *

_Scarlet:_ I don't wanna go down the slide. It's too high. Far too high. Wheee!...I feel sick now._  
*Scarlet throws up on Rufus*__  
*Reno escorts Rufus to his apartment*__  
*in the bathroom*  
Reno:_ You look horrible._  
Rufus:_ Horrible? I'm fashionable! Look at me, I'm covered in…what is it? Eww, that's not nice._  
*Reno helps him get in tub, then turns to leave*  
Rufus:_ Don't you leave me here with that woman on the loose!_  
Reno:_ Now I need to pee, so what're you going to do about that…fuckhead!_  
Rufus:_ Can't you hold?_  
Reno:_ Look at the size of your bath. I can pee in it and you'd never notice._  
Rufus:_ Don't you dare, go sit at the porcelain throne._  
Reno:_ Peeing standing up rules!_  
Rufus:_ I feel seasick.

* * *

_Sephiroth to Cloud in the morning of the day he's about to rule the world:_ I'm gonna have a great day…Don't you fuck it up._  
*later that day*  
Sephiroth talking to himself about his wings:_ I got one. I need two. It's useless without two. With two, I can take over the freakin' world._  
Cloud:_ Sephiroth, why do you want to rule the world? Let God take care of it…_  
Sephiroth:_ Yah, I can't believe in God when I'm THIS good. There's only one thing that comes as close as being as fantastic as me, and that's my reflection. All hail the beautiful mirror. Wow._  
Cloud:_ …_  
Sephiroth:_ Stand further away. You can't possibly appreciate my greatness this close up.

* * *

_Sephiroth to Genesis:_ You're pretty. pretty pretty pretty…_[long pause]_ Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored._  
Genesis:_ You hurt my feelings. Hug me._  
Sephiroth:_ Let me hold you in my arms. Feel me squeeze the living fucking breath out of your bastard body. Bliss. Lovely._  
Genesis:_ But I don't wanna die. I want a hug._  
Sephiroth:_ Oh the cactus needs a hug! Go on, make it feel needed. Do it, fuck features. Do it now. Caress the spine.

* * *

_Reno mumbling about elephants while escorting Rufus to the zoo:_ Oh, such wrinkly skin. And oh so hairy. Yeah, like grandmothers with trunks. Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else. Everything that is not related to elephants is irrelephant._  
*elephant poops*_  
Totally green snowballs. Giant ones! They look wrong. They sound wrong when they hit you. And boy do they smell wrong.

* * *

_*Shin-Ra's Halloween party. Hojo looks around*  
Vincent Valentine in his old Turk suit:_ Vampire penguins?_  
Zack in Zombie costume:_ Zombie guinea pigs?_  
Sephiroth in drag:_ We're done for…done for.

* * *

_Heidegger to Hojo, on the yearly medical checkup:_ I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat.

_Hojo in response:_ You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent.

* * *

_Elena yelling at Tseng about Reno:_ You can tell that turkey when it comes back here that it's not welcome. You tell it goood.

* * *

_Vincent Valentine:_ If I'm gonna be in charge, I need a cape. You can't do the job without a cape. Take me to the cape tailor.

* * *

_Tseng is high. He looks at Reno:_ Thunder...Thunder…Thundercats are cool. Except for the little ginger one. There's always the ginger one.

* * *

_Sephiroth to fangirl:_ Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.

* * *

_Everyone to Tifa:_ Of course I know where your eyes are. I just like staring at your tits. Thank you!

* * *

_Sephiroth lost something that belongs to Zack:_ Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?

* * *

_Reno, flicking his cigarette, when he was asked to join the other side:_ The grass on the other side of the fence: Burn it! It's not nice.

* * *

_Reno talking about the slums' restaurants:_ Fly soup. Stir him in. It's the wings that get stuck in your teeth, though.

* * *

_Sephiroth and Reno, after destroying all pens in the building:_ No pens. There's no pens here. I can't do any work anymore. I'm in crayon heaven.

* * *

_Reno:_ I'm the pilot. It's my turn to fly the plane. Give me a peaked cap and a stewardess. Yeah, a stewardess. Whooossshhh.

* * *

_Anyone to Vincent:_ Garlic cheese! Double death to you, you lactose intolerant vamp man!_  
Vincent:_ I'm not lactose intolerant._  
Person:_ AHA! So you ARE a vampire!_  
Vincent:_ …_*takes out his gun*_

* * *

_Reno, watching men do acrobatics:_ Headstands are for girls only. When they wear skirts.

* * *

_Rufus, after being asked about the Midgar Orchestra's performance:_ Shoot the fucking cellist. Pompous cunt with his oversized violin.

* * *

_Reno, after his umpteenth drink:_ Mine's a potato martini. Serve it cold.

* * *

_Anyone to Cloud:_ You over there, you're going to be my friend today... I don't know about tomorrow, let's just get through today, arsehole.

* * *

_Special Guests in the Final Fantasy world:_

_

* * *

Sonic talking about Metal Sonic's new job at the sweet factory:_ Robots making sweets? But they've got no taste buds! Metal smarties.

* * *

_Harry Potter to Rita Skeeter (the reporter):_ When did you turn into a bug? Strange.

* * *

_Lavi to Bookman (from D-Gray-Man): _I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda.

* * *

_Yuki talking to Kaname about Zero (from Vampire Knight): _The zero is the same. It always will be. It never changes. Zero is zero…One? Huh, he's just a lonely cunt.

* * *

_Mad hatter (I'm not gonna stoop so low as to EXPLAIN where he is from…): Mad Hatter: _It's cake o'clock! All day long.


	2. Chapter 2

_Reno to Rufus:_ May I present Mr. and Mrs. Spoon... Fuck you, tossbag. Never liked them. Never will. (A/N: I like sporks better!)

* * *

_Sephiroth to ANYONE:_ I'm trying not to laugh. But your face! Your face! Oh, please look away. Please?

* * *

_Reno in the hospital, hallucinating:_ No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much. I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!

* * *

_Sephiroth to Genesis:_ Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face.

* * *

_Cid to Vincent: _You keep looking at the sun until your eyes dry up like raisins and fall out of your skull.

* * *

_Vincent to Yuffie: _There you go again, wasting decent oxygen on talking.

* * *

_Ezio to Templar:_ What the fuck's wrong with your face? Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me. _(note: Italians say Sangue di Guido, which means, Christ on a bike)_

_

* * *

Happy tree friends:_ That's it! That's the last fucking time we're ever going on holiday with beavers. Can't take their chattering. Always chattering!

_

* * *

Dr. Eggman (from Sonic):_ That's the green one taken care of. Bring me the blue and I'll kick seven shades of shit out of it.

_

* * *

Sephiroth to Zack:_ Oh, just think about what you said. That is, if you can spare the grey matter from remembering how to breathe.

_

* * *

Genesis to Angeal:_ Great. So you've fallen in love again. Go wash yourself off. Dirty stuff.

_

* * *

Sponge Bob:_ Jellyfish are attacking. Everybody grab your ice cream guns. Let's get those little things!


End file.
